but sometimes these facebook applications are so dead on, it's scary. I am posting the "God wants you to know" one. I apologize lol.

On this day of your life, Gina, we believe God wants you to know...
... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step.

You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”

People that take advantage of the government are useless citizens, and useless, lazy people. People that help them, are enablers. It’s pathetic.

I’m glad I pay taxes for people that are able bodies and can work, but they remain on welfare for years and years. The same goes for people that sit on unemployment. Even when they have a job. It’s pitiful, embarrassing and makes me so livid I could punch them in the face. Take me the jail right now for assault. Or better yet, take them to jail. Send them to a different country. We don’t need such classless, disrespectful, lazy people making OUR RECESSION WORSE. TAKING ADVANTAGE OF OUR RECESSION. Playing the victim, taking hand outs, taking advantage. It’s truly un-American, it’s inhumane, it’s un called for, illegal, PATHETIC PATHETIC PATHETIC PATHETIC. I CAN’T SAY IT ENOUGH!

I refuse to be associated with any of that behavior or illegal activity.

I work my fucking ass off. Must be nice to be such a stupid fucking, lazy human that gets handouts for barely working. Not even trying.

If only 144,000 people are supposedly going to be “saved” in the Apocalypse, then what is the point? Even if I prayed every day I wouldn’t be in that crowd. Nor would I want to. The idea is that we are supposed to live for God, not for ourselves. But I wouldn’t want my soul to go to a place where the probability of all the people I care for may or may not make it in that saved number. I know, I know, all those zealots are saying, well Jesus did this for you, and your soul is God’s child, it’s not your choice. Wah wah wah. What happened to living life? If the meaning of life is to serve God, then why even come to Earth? “To learn lessons.” OK. Lessons that we are going to be inevitably punished for and judged on.

“Many are called, but few are chosen.” Oh yah? Where is this God that is so merciful, just, and forgiving? Aren’t we all God’s children? God put us here, not Satan. He gave us FREE WILL, and yet we will be excommunicated for it in Armageddon.

And does anyone else not realize that Revelations was written by John after he was fasting for so many days? Hey, don’t eat for a week and tell me if you see visions of 7 headed dragons and 4 horses of death. It’s called starvation. Dying. I’ll be damned if I believe in God and get suckered into this Apocalypse bullshit.

I'm just in an apathetic and atheist mood today.

Every guy loves a good cat fight, but no one wants to date the cat.

danielle is flinging wet. Kent got paul pregnant . Again? Smells like a porno store. Again? Right there

I know this is going to sound completely bizarre coming from someone who was obsessed with love, in love with the idea of love even. But the more I think about it, the older, harder, colder I grow I realize how fictional love is. I am still debating whether it exists. Now that's truly cynical, but you'd have a hard time arguing against that love is irrational and fictional. People who are in love are the most ignorant people on earth. They make blind decisions- like marriage, moving in together, and sharing finances. Count me out of sharing finances. This is not to say that people in love will always be stupid. But I think before you make a move like marriage and merging of lives and finances you need to be "out of love." You have to be beyond that giggly, butterfly stage. You have to have found a lifelong companion. Love is unsteady ground, it is fleeting. How can you base, nay, REVOLVE your entire life around that? You can't. Don't fall in love, fall in companionship lol. I mean, by all means, go fall in love and be wreckless, but make sure you are of sound mind before you make permanent decisions. And never marry someone if your response is, "well there is always divorce." Uh, maybe that last statement is arguing the opposite. Maybe you should marry someone if you can count on divorce, maybe that means you are out of the blind love stage, and in a rational stage.

I have a headache. I am done now.

Alot of shit has gone down in the last 24 hours...

She's moving out!!!!!!

Things I Must Do In Chicago

1. Blues R&B bar
2. Second City
3. Shedd Aquarium
4. Adler Planetarium
5. Art Institute
6. Field Museum
7. Skyline Cruise
8. Grayline Tour
9. Double Decker Tour
10. Cubs game
11. Sox game
12. Weird Chicago tour
13. The Riv
14. The Vic/ Brew n View
15. Grant Park/Millennium Park
16. See the Nutcracker
17. Ice Skate downtown
18. Botanic Gardens
19. Chicago Historical Society
20. South Side St. Patrick’s Day Parade
21. Have dinner in the Signature room of J. Hancock

That's what I have so far. And some of it will be accomplished here pretty soon, because of my lil visitors here in a few weeks :) Field Museum whoomp whoomp. And Mary/Ross and me and someone who likes me lol may see Nutcracker and do the iceskating bit. And this weekend we (JJ and the gang) are planning to go to the Dungeon of Doom! Which isn't on my list, but fun nonetheless.

I have some shit to do lol.

someone asks something to the effect 'do you like golf...'

Jason: Does a bear shit in the woods?

a 'duh' silence.

Chris: What about polar bears?

Jason: You got me! What about teddy bears?

Chris: What about gay bears?

Jason: You should know.

What a weird night ahahaha.

Alright, where do I start?

I am moving back to Chicago in a month. Gina=wanderlust. Just deal with it. What's new ahaha?
I am moving with Jessie from NYC. Danielle will be back to being in the same zip code as me, and my mom and friends will be back to being a short road trip over. My dad was "blown away" with my moving announcement. Fran said she knew it was coming. She said she doesn't really know me, but can tell from pictures and also me being 25 that I have not been myself since I've been here. And it's hard to not be yourself for 6 months. She also said she knows how it is to have best friends so far away. Not that I don't have friends here, but as I said before, a married woman and assorted work friends are different than Danielle.

Everyone at work is upset because I am one reason they are able to come to work. Yes, I have temper tantrums, but also I bring laughter to the office. Also I think it's funny that I found out that Jason my branch manager from the one in Cool Springs asked to move me to Brentwood to get away from Sarah and everyone else because I was such a bad influence (because I openly hate the job.)

YET Sarah got a new job out of rental, and everyone bitches how they are understaffed and how boring it is without me. Suck it Jason. Jason misses me too, he just thinks that Sarah hates the job because of me. I think he realizes that we all just hate the job, I am just much more vocal. I told Byron the other day I was going to start a revolution. Any kind. I bet I could hhaha. I think I was transferred because of the tension ANDDD the fact that Jason and I are so similiar that we either get along, well, too well or we are seeing who can be more dramatic and more of an asshole. We agreed on this.

Work aside, now that I am moving boys are flocking. S.O.B. One guy I met while I was "marketing" for work. That means my manager drove me to a ribbon cutting at the new Hyatt and I drank wine and mingled. I said immediately to my manager Casey "Introduce me to HIM!" As social as I am, I clammed up and barely could muster a word out. He was greek god gorgeous. And although my southern accent fetish is fading, he made all those muttered words sound so delicious. He called the office the next day and ask that "we" (my manager and I) take him to lunch. Usually just the manager goes, but that gorgeous man asked that I go too. So we picked him up and took him to eat. Turns out it was his birthday. Turns out he was single (recently divorced...ehh). And he made a big deal that I sit next to him. (Though I wanted to sit across to gaze at him.) "I want the beautiful woman to sit next to me on my birthday." I will be seeing him this week for he is an insurance agent, and by golly, I think I need a new insurance company :)

Then 2 weeks ago, another office called to get cars, I was all alone and I put them on hold for a moment. When I clicked back over a sweet Australian accent greeted me. We made small talk and then I fluttered around the office declaring I was in love with an enterprise worker at another office. My area manager stated that she thought she saw him and she thinks he was cute. So I signed up for Relay for Life on the account that he'd be there ahaha. (Plus I didn't have the 20 bux work was DEMANDING I donate.) I tried to call back to his office to let him know about the status on getting some cars, and no one answered. I shot him an email. And by golly, he answered, and we've been chatting ever since. He asked if I'd have a cheeky beer with him sometime.... cheeky hahaha. And every morning he emails me "Good morning, hope your day goes well." He doesn't know what I look like or vice versa. But luckily, thanks to the internet per facebook, I know he's good looking. He's opposite the insurance agent, as the Aussie is blonde and bright blue eyes. Now that his marathon stuff is done, we shall have that cheeky beer. One last gush. He called my office the other day and said, "hey there, it's your little kangaroo boy." I died at that moment. He invited me to marathon, but it was much too early, and it was storming. But he said I could tell it was him because he'd be the one in a kangaroo outfit hopping rather than running. Cute and funny too!

There's a lot more going on too. I just don't want to discuss it, especially considering this was a happy entry.

But anyway, have a cheeky day! (if anyone reads this anymore hahaha)

I haven't written in this in a while. I've been "blogging" it in myspace. I like the suspense of "who reads it" and "whatever must they think of me." No one reads it anyone aside from my family who tell my mom that they think I am going off into the deep end and the rumors are right, I don't know how to swim. I get several emails a day asking me to come home to Michigan. But we all know I can't. Financially. Aesthetically.

Unfortunately, my best choice is the suburbs of Chicago. The unfortunate part is I lack two things: a roommate to split the bill, and a job that pays so I can both eat and pay my bills, not robbing Peter to pay Paul.

In the larger picture, I feel as though none of my aspirations will be fullfilled. I literally feel lost, but more so helpless. The scarier part is I almost don't give a shit. About anything or anyone anymore. I can't try anymore. In general. I can't.

I spent Saturday night crying. By crying I mean I was straight up sobbing and heavy breathing from- I think I started at 5pm until I finally went completely to sleep at like 4am. It was a serious, long cry. I felt good Sunday. Maybe some of it had to get out. But I think by releasing it, I also released all emotion.

I've been trying to fly under the radar at work. And now I am trying to fly under the radar of everything/one. Pretty soon everyone will have forgotten I exist. It seems to be working faster than I had anticipated anyway.

I'll just be low key until whenever my life is terminated. Let's not get all crazy and read that wrong. When my life is terminated. I am not going to do anything to expediate that.

Back to the crying thing, I just realized and accepted the hand I've been dealt. I'll never be what I want, I'll never have what I want. I will forever commiserate by myself.

The end.

dude, I don't remember writing that entry earlier lol.

Last night Sarah and I went downtown and met Heath at the lovely "Stage." Which I hate because it's 100% country music. A lot of hot guys, but the only guys hitting on girls are the old farts. When Heath got there, we went to Cadillac Ranch, and Jimmy showed up.

So of course I have to out dance everyone there, which I most certainly did. I picked up some fans along the way too. I had groupies hahaha. We all wanted to go upstairs to the "Hip Hop bar."

Jimmy is in front, and the bouncer says- $5 bucks. We all agree nothing is worth 5 bux anymore haha. Plus this dude is letting "hot" girls in left and right and we are just standing there. Sarah says, "Man we must be ugly." This unacceptable to me, especially after out dancing everyone guy and girl in the joint. I got up to the bouncer and false him my prettiest smile, and literally bat my eyelashes. This is totally on a whim, as I have never used my assests to get somewhere lol. He says, "how many?" "4" "Go ahead baby"

No charge haha. Sarah asks, "what did you say to him?"
"Nothing. I just smiled."

Thankfully we didn't pay, because it sucked upstairs and 4 minutes later we went back down.

Then we lost Heath, but I spotted Drew's friends. But I wasn't sure if it was them, and then bam! There was Drew. So we hung out with Drew's friends. I got us a free, realllllly strong drink. How does a bar run out of beer and all liquor but Absolut Citron and freaking Baileys?

Anyway Drews very attractive roommate, who unfortunately has a girlfriend, freakin thought I was the funniest person alive. Which I love that, who doesn't? lol. It was really awkward because Coan (the hot roomie) kept saying- "Drew! This girl is awesome. I loveeee her. Isn't she awesome?" And then Biggie, drew's other friend kept saying, "Oh I remember you, you love Drew. I can see it in your eyes. You guys make googling eyes at each other." I couldn't convince this guy (who is like Tiny's twin) that I don't love Drew. But it was weird because Drew kept hugging me and tickling my sides. Just weird tension.

We decided we had enough so we ALLLLL piled into my car- like 6 people. I drove them to their car, and then Sarah and I went back to Drews for I could sober up a little bit more. Drew and Coan have 2 TV's, next to each other.... Why? "Because we can watch multiple games at the same time." hahahhaa. So that got the "game" talk going, and Sarah and I just had to stand there and listen. So we left, and I didn't get home until 430am. Sarah kept saying, "I havent been out this late in foreverrrrrr." Us 25 year olds still got it, even the married girl hahaha

Tomorrow we are getting a new girl. Drew was transferred off, and I made sure everyone knew I was upset about it. I threw a car, and started to compound cuss. Not just for personal aestetic reasons do I enjoy seeing him everyday, but we were all upset, even him. I am just a loud northerner and I had to show how upset I was along with the collective of our group haha.

Anyway, so news gets to us that we are getting a new girl. Sarah and I were distraught. The boys thought I was simply being jealous until Sarah, who is happily married, proved her dissatisfaction. A new girl sucks because if she's hot, no longer will Sarah and I get attention. We will be ignored to no end as the boys fawn over her. If she's ugly, it will ruin the attractiveness of the office, in addition to Jason making us girls train her, because the boys won't give a crap. Our only hope is that she's attractive but annoying and stupid so Jason will then be so annoyed he ignores her and then turns his attention back to loving us. Ok that sounds really bad. But the true reason is this. I am borderline bipolar at work. I really am just frustrated and loud as a northerner, they say. But because I am so vocal and I am a rollercoaster of emotions, let's just say I am borderline bipolar. Now Jason scares the shit out of me, because he has the worst temper I have ever seen. What really scares me about that is that I feel him and I are so much alike in personality. I fear I will be that much of a rageaholic if I keep working at ERAC. In any case, Jason is as wild with emotion as I am. In fact, worse. One minute he's throwing shit and cussing and the next he is doing a silly dance and singing Billy Ocean- Carribean Queen. Then there is Sarah. Who is the most sane out of the whole office, however, she has a menstrual cycle. Therefore we will have 3 menstrual cycles (all eventually on the same week), and a Jason. We all get along. But I fear throwing another vagina in the mix with moodswings will wreak everlasting havoc.

Plus I can't take change. We have a new assistant manager because Kirk went to VA. Our new asst is cool. But then to take Drew away. Seriously upsetting. And then not to give us a guy back in return, preferably a hot one, that's bullshit.

I liked having a slight awkwardness at work. I liked flirting. It's just not going to happen now.

I think all of us cried last week at work. It was a horrible week. Well, I am sure the boys didn't cry. But Sarah and I did. The boys shouted and cussed, and shouted their dissatisfaction that way. It was a bad week. So maybe the new girl will be hot and the mean customers and accounts will leave us alone for a while ahha.

In 2007, what was?

your favorite day of the year?: ok, here is where I am going to rack my brain month by month...

January- probably the days I spent with Nick, I know that sounds lame, but I miss someone wanting to cuddle and kiss me. I miss someone trying to impress me
February- my fave day was my cousins wedding, because I was so incredibly lonely, and I drove in a snow storm and hung out with my family, and it was nice
March- the day I reunited with Danielle.
April- exploring Chicago like Danielle and I should have been doing all along.
May- I don't remember May except for Jen's bday
June- when I went to visit Stephen in Chicago
the summer was a blur basicall, so I guess any Rotarian day, hanging out at Danielle's having taco salad parties, going to Khoe's house like everyday, even those days with Soave- mostly because I realized I was over it. No offense :)
July- the ERAC party with Danielle, stalking hot guys, dancing like idiots, trying to be black, drinking way tooooo much
August- when Dani turned 21, and our Chicago trip even though the Allerton was a closet lmao
September- I do believed sucked lmfao. Can't recall anything.
October- my week vacation from ERAC- exploring tennessee, being home alone, taking walks, and then going back to work and the Hog Wild nights lol
November- Park Ridge to visit danielle weekend
December- Christmas to see my family, Dani and Jen, and hopefully New Years with Danielle will be awesome and i can add that :)

your least favorite day of the year?:
January- the day I lost Danielle
February- any day alone in Hoffman Estates
March- same
April- the realization that Chicago didn't work and we have to move back to Michigan- that day
May- was ok I suppose
June- when Nick Sweeney was a dick
July, August, September- were just filled with bad work days
October and November- just lonely days
December- my birthday

was 2007 a great year, an average year or a bad year?: average
what goals did you set for 2008?: lose weight and find love... if Tila Tequila can find it... lol

I confuse years.

After a survey bulletin in myspace... I couldn't remember 2006 from 2007 and such. And I also couldn't truly fill out my survey because my family read its. So I am going to redo it in here, just for my own reference and I can get as explanatory as I want.

In 2007, did you...

fall in love with someone that was just a friend?: no
fall in love at all?: I thought I did with Nick. But even rereading my livej entries about him, I was really hot and cold with him myself, wasnt til he was gone that I thought I had loved him. I guess I won't know if it was love until I fall in love again.
lose any friends?: yes, an important one :(
make any new friends?: yes, got the important one back, and then some miscellanous friends like Enterprise Chicago, Detroit and Nashville people lol.
make any new enemies?: anyone in the greek system
develop any new hobbies?: I am back to watching regular TV programs
get older?: no, Father Time skipped me this year.
do anything you regret?: not off the top of my head, so that's good
go to any parties?: yes, the Delt Sig party with the fight, the ERAC party at the Athenum, dance parties at Danielle's, I didn't go to parties as much as I went out to the bar.
accomplish anything?: accomplish to twist my life around until I feel I can't control it anymore.
make much money?: no
attend a wedding?: yes- Jason and Kristen's
attend a funeral?: no
get any new family members?: all my cousins just had babies it seems
move away?: moved from Chi to Hoffman Estates, from H Estates to Dearborn, D-born to S-gate, S-gate to Tennessee
gain any new perspectives?: just on the way I am, and that's out of control, and insatiable
get into a verbal fight?: always
get into a physical fight?: it was close
attend any sporting events?: no hitters Tiger game with phyllis, kelly, and Danielle
get arrested?: no
wreck your car?: no
get a new car?: nope
make any big purchases?: no
get kicked out of a store, restaurant or any other kind of business?: no
get fired from a job?: no
get offered a job?: yes
get a raise at a job?: yes, passed the ERC "grill" lol
learn anything?: always
dump your bf/gf?: no
get dumped by your bf/gf?: technically Nick Sweeney did
develop any new health problems?: just a broken heart
change as a person?: I think so
get any new piercings?: no
get any new tattoos?: yes, the ankh
attend a concert?: no
crowd surf?: no
travel out of state?: Illi and TN
read any books?: Jodi Picoult has gotten my attention for the last several months
travel out of the country?: Canada for Danielle's "19" b-day revisited, redone, revamped
spend much money?: yes
download any music?: yes
try out any new looks?: was a blonde, and then Dani gave me a new hair do at Mario Tricocci's in which I became wildly conceited for days on end
sign up for a myspace?: no
sign up for a facebook?: no
eat a food that you had never eaten before?: vietnamese and thai mmmm
go golfing?: no
go bowling?: yes
go to many parties?: a few
start to resent something or someone that you used to like?: I resent who I used to be, ya know, the "popular" girl in college, because in the real world, you don't just have a large group of friends at your disposal. Luckily (and unluckily because I loathe my job) I work with young people so moving is easier and making friends is easier, but imagine if I had a career. I'd be fucked. And I should have a career and a family now, but I just want to party like I did in college. I resent that.

In 2007, how many....

different places did you work?: same place different locations 1502, 2015, 2021, and 5672, that means nothing to people who are not employed by ERAC
times did you go out drinking?:alot
times did you smoke marijuana?: none
drugs did you take?: none
times did you have health problems?: just sick
times did you go to the movies?: several
concerts did you attend?: none
people did you make out with?: 4- Nick, Mina (who is a guy lol), Soave, and Drew... but the year isn't over
people did you have sex with?: 3
people tried to have sex with you?: aside from those that tried and succeeded I guess 1 or 2
times did you get your ass kicked?: none and never
crushes did you have?: everyone in Tennessee lol
times did you attend church?: none
bad habits did you pick up?: none
famous people did you meet?: none

I am going to pee my pants, I will post the rest momentarily. I have to close my browser for I have a snoopy stepmom and dad

Yes, I fell in and out of love in 4 minutes again. I was sitting in the dealership and the 2nd most gorgeous guy I have seen (still doesn't compare to that other guy I glimpsed and fell in love with) walked by. Took my breath away, so I got up and followed him. Who is this new guy? Why is he so tan and dark haired and gorgeous? Does he want my influenza virus I have contracted? Unfortunately, he doesn't. His name is Justin too. (Me and guys named Justin that work at foreign car dealerships- damn) He is a mere 23?!?! This man... is a boy?!?! And the clincher. He's married.

In a rampage, I go back to the office and ask Heath if he wants to wed when we are 30 if we are still single. Though, I already have this arrangement with Soave and Nick Sweeney... it doesn't hurt to have another prospect. Especially someone you've never seen naked. At the office Drew tells me that in the South if you made it through high school without reproducing, then you go to college. If you made it through college.... then you get married. Speaking of that, I overheard Drew (who just turned 24) is going to propose to his girlfriend (who's 26).

I am THAT girl. The deal sealer. The confirmation to wed your significant other. Damn.

Oh well. I am beginning to think my shit stinks (figuratively, because I know it does literally.) At my birthday celebration, Kirk, told me he was bringing his friend who was recently single. I think "excellent. I am going to be drunk and I haven't kissed anyone in a month, and that's truly all I want." So I start putting my A game into gear, and I am sure he's into my girating ghetto ass, but despite being totally shitfaced I noticed a plain girl in a thermal shirt with snowflakes or some bullshit on it looking at me like I am crushing her world. I am THAT girl, but I am not THATTT girl who enjoys the challenge of a wanted man with the girl right there.... So I turn to this guy and say, "That girl is looking at me like I am destroying her world. Are you dating her?"

"No."

We continue to dance, or rather I continue to rub against him. She then gets all up on Kirk. I giggle because he is my assistant manager for one, and two, she must think I like him, and is trying to reverse the pain. I realize this game and ask him again because this is a clear indication, she is jealous.

"Nope."

Not truly satisfied with that answer, another girating song later I ask again, " Are you dating her?"

"No. Well, I mean, I guess we are 'talking'"

Without any hestitation or another exchange of words, I walk away. Men.

I am beginning to worry that my pool of desirable men is getting dried up. Yes, the men are more attractive down here, not to mention, they are considerably nicer and polite. However, they get snatched up WAYYY too fast.

I had a discussion with Jason about my lack of men, and he said, "I can name 3 guys who would drop everything and have sex with you right now."

Humor me. "Name them."

"David" (a verrrrryyy nice guy, and I can tell he likes me, but I just don't feel it. Plus he had some issues with drugs, and you can just tell that though he is done now, I don't think he's truly done for the long run.)

"Justin" (the guy I asked out, who has a gf. I point that out and of course he says, so what, tell him what you really want and I am sure he will be saying so what to the gf too)

and the last guy he named was a gay at the Infiniti dealership. He's the cashier, and I am pretty sure he's gay. And him and I have never even had a conversation. Very funny, Jason.

I had to explain that though I am severely lonely, I have never been loose. I try, and to my chagrin, I am incapable of one night stands and such. I have emotions. I am very much a chick.

Ok, enough about sex.

I am excited to see my mom Monday. (Weird segueway, huh? lol) I am going to gain 400 lbs at Uncle Larry's ex wife's house (that sounds weird too.) And I am going to see all my friends, and I am even going to stalk down Enterprise. Lame.

I am psyched for NYE. Not sure what's going on definitively, but Heath has given me the hook up on a DD and a place to shack up. And his good friends play in a local 'famous" band, so whatever we do, it'll be fun. Plus that hoe bag Danielle is coming, and I am so excited that I just downed a beer in a congratulatory jest. Alone. Yes. Haha. I wish I had some extra cash flow, and I wish someone was in town this weekend so I could go drink with people so as not to be as weird as me drinking solo.

My Dad and Fran come back from St Thomas today. Yippeee. I hope you guys had fun celebrating my birthday! Fuckers. For pay back, I depleted their ENTIRE cheese drawer (seriously, singles, blocks of cheese, feta, cheddar, wtf ever dude) and I put a nice dent in the 4 meat refrigerators they have. And drank their booze.

So I've been sick all day. But sick in the weak way, my throat hurts, I don't have a voice. Not any congestion or anything nasal.

I just blew my nose because it just naturally needed to, not because of congestion, as I said. And a HUGE chunk of blood came out. And it was gushing out, and I have blood all over my pants, shirt, face, and even the carpet. What does that mean?


Now I have a migraine.


Wish I would have done something to warrant that amount of blood lmao.